I Dreamed a Dream….

It’s funny how many songs out there are about love and loss.  I mean, seriously.  Turn on your radio and it’s every-damn-where.  Like this is what I want to listen to in the midst of a freaking separation and, eventual, divorce.

Thanks a lot music industry.

I really appreciate this – from the bottom of my heart.  It’s so nice to have my failure thrust in my face  (OK, mutual failure, but still).

Honestly, if I hear Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” one more freaking time, I’ll kill someone.  Seriously.

However, that being said, I have to say that I have become hooked on one song, Glee’s version of “I Dreamed a Dream.”  Now, of course, the context of the show is not anywhere near the context of what my life has become, but I can relate. I can especially relate to the last verse of the song:

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Divorce is about loss.  Not just loss of a significant other or the children or the house.  It’s the loss of dreams.  I’m two years shy of 40.  I was looking forward to him being retired, settling into one place – a house that we would buy and that we would live in and see our grandchildren in.  I was looking forward to finishing my Master’s Degree and teaching.  I was looking forward to the trip that we planned for next summer to my grandfather’s house and who we would see on the way.

We had plans.  We had dreams.

Now they are no more.

Now, I could either be totally upset about this or…..

I could look at it as a chance to create  new dreams and new goals.  Do I still want a house?  Sure.  But now I’m not locked into living wherever he feels he wants to retire to or be locked into only teaching stateside.  Maybe I can get a job teaching overseas. Or doing a teacher exchange program.  I can go see Russia (he hates to travel and has no desire to see the world) and Greece and Petra and Africa.  I can do all of these things.

When one thing dies, another comes to take its place.

Would I have liked to do these things with my husband?  Sure.  It’s just that now that face that I see when I picture my husband and I standing on the White Cliffs of Dover is fuzzy and filled with endless possibilities.  (Not that I’m gonna get married again, but you understand)

So maybe the old dreams are no more.  But there are so many more to take their place.

Being forgotten has its upsides.  They may not be evident at first, but they’re coming to me piece by piece.

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2 thoughts on “I Dreamed a Dream….

  1. You said it, Sister! Loss – yes. But with that comes opportunity! With your skills and experiences you are gonna create an awesome “new” dream! You definitely are more “prepared” than I was after my divorce! (had a lot of shit to clean up in my own life as you know). One cool thing that happens is the relationships with your kids improves. How can it not? Everyone in the family is now living “reality” and (hopefully) communicating about said reality. Both parents become better because they are living on their own terms, less fighting and tension. Cuz yeah- the kids ALWAYS knew and always picked up on it. My ex and myself are much better parents apart! My son told me years ago he was glad we divorced because when we were together he remembers it as “the time you both ignored me.” wow was that a reality check! We were so busy avoiding each other we forgot to be present to our son. Neither of us realized it or did so intentionally. You are in the beginning of the hardest part of this process. And already you are seeing the positive light at the end of the tunnel! You are gonna be GREAT, and so will your boys!

    Sidenote – the music industry… It profits from PAIN. If it’s not related to your love life it’s about gangsters and death…drugs and hopelessness. Those love songs that are “positive?” they are REALLY based on codependency! What healthy person makes another their “knight” to rescue them….what healthy person depends on another for their total happiness? Shouldn’t that be our higher power? And what about being strong and autonomous and confident? I just shake my head at love songs anymore. I don’t WANT a partner to “complete me.” I’m fine as I am! But send me someone who is also self reliant and sexy, maybe we’ll talk! Lol

  2. That has got to be one of the saddest songs. It was so difficult for me to let go of dreams. I thought they were our dreams and still cannot understand how is so willing to walk away from them. I know I can still have my dreams, I just need to figure out a way to do them without him because he was always a huge part of the equation.
    Last year when I first moved out I had a very hard time listening to any music that didn’t remind me of him and our life together. For some reason I started listening to country music which is the absolute worst thing you could listen to when you are heart broken but I actually found some artists that I liked and some songs that were very empowering.
    You have the right attitude about your dreams.

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