Movin’ Out

One of my fave songs from Billy Joel and, somehow, very fitting.  I know that I won’t be trading my Honda for a Caddy anytime soon, and I’m not moving out yet, but I like what the song symbolizes anyway.  It’s not about physically moving out.  It’s about following your dreams and your own goals and doing what you want with your life.

Like I said, seems fitting.

A friend of mine, who I’ve known for the past 20 years and reads this blog, said that I had to continue to grow and if my husband got left in the dust that it was his choice and I had no control over that (or it boils down to that).  And she’s right.  I have continued to grow and he has not.  I am not (thankfully) the person that he married 16 years ago.  I’m not even the person I was three years ago.  I’m not the person I was three weeks ago.

But he hasn’t changed.  He even said to me, “I’m the same jackass you married 16 years ago. I haven’t changed.”

And that is what is fundamentally wrong with our marriage.

Regardless of who asked for the divorce, if you do not grow with your partner it will never continue to work.  In fact, I’ve already moved on.

Oh, not physically, of course.  No, I’m staying here as long as I can bear it.  Need time to get the money and make plans.  But I’m already gone, baby.  Mentally and emotionally I’m not here with him.  To illustrate this let me recount a conversation we had last night as we walked the dog.

We walk the dog together (like I said, everything is cordial) and it gives us time to talk and to discuss plans away from the kids.  So I was telling him how I plan on moving out in January and how I was going to manage all of the moving of furniture into my new place.  He says, “I can help you move in.”  I say, “No, I think I got it covered.  But thanks.”  Him: “Who’s gonna help you?”  I gave him a list of four strapping men that would help (all friends of ours) and he says, “Do they know about this yet?”  And I say, “Nope, but when I call their wives, they’ll be happy to help.”

What does this little conversation say?  It says, “I don’t need you anymore.”  Yup.  In a very nice way, but in a very firm way.  I’m already dreaming about how I’m gonna decorate my new place.  In the colors and patterns that I want with no thought to anyone else.  Why?  Cause I can!

Yes, a divorce is a sad thing.  A family is breaking apart and it will never be put back together again.  But I’m excited about getting out there and living a life on my own.  I want to make choices for myself and not have to worry about what a husband will want or need. I don’t have to worry that he won’t like where I hang this or the color of that.  It will be my own place, my own space.  And I don’t want him in it.

Because, when it comes down to it, I’m not the only one that can be forgotten.