Today is a new day. I took my first Ambien last night and slept straight through for almost 10 hours. I feel better, more rested, but I feel sad today.
A couple of years ago, I lost a friend. It was through personal choice (she had gotten to be too much to handle), but my life had been intimately wrapped up with hers and her efforts for the two years before that. We talked nearly every day and we schemed together and we had fun. When I decided I could no longer talk to her, I felt a hole in my life where she used to be. It was awhile before I would see something and not think, “I should call E – she’d think that was funny/interesting/weird.”
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. We’ve been married for 16 of that. It’s like losing my friend, but so much more acute. It’s hard to not just call him up or lay in bed and talk to him about my day. It’s hard to not have any kind of feedback on what I’m thinking or what I’ve done. They say that your spouse is your best friend. I wouldn’t go that far, but he was definitely someone I could count on if needed something or I needed support.
Now that’s gone.
I’ve been usurped in his life. Someone has tossed me from where I’ve resided for the past 17 years. I’ve come to realize that I was a rebound relationship for him from this other woman and I’m surprised that we made it this long. Like I said, it hasn’t always been roses and songs. In fact, he actually beat me to it, asking for a divorce. I was gonna stick it out until our youngest graduated from high school. But he made the first move. I do deserve better but I was going to stay, had stayed, for the children.
And, let’s be honest, it’s a hell of a lot easier to do the dumping than being the one dumped.
Another tidbit of honesty – when my husband was away for his job for a year, I had an alcohol-fueled one-night stand. I admitted it to him when he came home and he forgave me. So, yes I cheated on him (once), but I never, ever did the things that he is doing to me now. I didn’t post sappy pictures from my Farmville fields that spelled out messages to some other man. I didn’t order a porno-star sized bottle of cologne because it was some man’s favorite (like he did – I had to sign for the box from the UPS man. How wonderful is that?). I didn’t spend hours texting or calling some man.
Because I was married.
Yes, I know, he is still married, too. Come to that, so is she.
He’s spent the last three nights on the couch. I am not asking him to come back to our bed and I will tell him to get out of the bed if he does come back. I’m buying him an air mattress today (with his money) because that couch truly is uncomfortable. Plus, it’s incentive to keep him out of the bed. If, and when, he goes to visit her I will move all of his stuff out of the bedroom and bathroom and he’ll have no reason to set foot in here again while I live here.
(He found out yesterday that he is being removed from his current job and somewhere else. The new job requires that he handle end-of-year financial stuff so he may have to put off his trip to see her until October. Anyone else shedding a tear here? Cause I certainly am not. He wants to go down for 11 days. That will give me more than enough time to get him out of the room.)
The fact of the matter is I’m a wreck. I try to talk all big, to you and myself, but my life is a mess. But if I talk big to myself long enough, maybe I’ll come to believe it and it will make things better. Am I really looking forward to moving out? Yes. Am I looking forward to being divorce? Absolutely. But the slow, agonizing, moaning death of this marriage is getting to be a lot to handle. It reminds me of this clip from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
Just not as funny as that clip.
I may have been forgotten by him already, but I’ll never forget the way he treated me after he asked for this divorce. I’ll never forget how he disrespected me and our 16 years of marriage. I’ll never forget how he disrespected our children.
And not forgetting will help keep me from making some of the same mistakes I’ve made in the past.