Excuse the randomness of this post. My brain is so fried, it’s not even funny.
It wasn’t a great day, but it was certainly better. At this point, I’ll take any day that I don’t cry as a sign that I’m doing alright.
I went to Walmart today and bought him an air mattress and sheets for it, with his money. Seemed kinda final as I went through the checkout, like there was no going back now. We have a small room that I have used for craft storage since we got here that I will clean out next week for him to sleep in. I’d do it this weekend, but I have to finish up school work and his brother and sister-in-law are coming tomorrow. I can just imagine that conversation:
BIL – Hey, why don’t you come down and visit?
Me – Well, because your brother turns my stomach and I need to clean out this room so he can sleep in it.
Somehow, I don’t think that will be a big hit at the party.
I’m almost done with school, which is a great thing. I have these last four classes and one test and then I’ll have my BA – major in history, minor in English. It’s taken me 20 years, but I’m gonna do it. I contacted all of my professors (cause I was pretty much absent from the time he asked me for the divorce until about two weeks ago) and they are all letting me turn in my work to get at least a C in the class. He had the gall to tell me today that I should have gotten A’s.
Well, excuse the bi-polar person all to hell for not being able to do her school work when she is in a panic about whether she’s gonna get kicked out of her house or not. Doesn’t exactly create a conducive environment for learning.
And, like a wise friend once said, a C is still passing and whether you have a C average or an A average, you’ll still have the same degree as the next person.
A couple of more papers and I’ll be done. I was hoping to be done by tomorrow, but it’s not looking that way. And here I am at 10 p.m. typing here instead of typing on my papers. 🙂 Gotta love that procrastination.
Oh, and he just noticed today that, a) I dropped my married name from my Facebook page (cause it disgusted me to look at it); and b) that he went over on the cell phone minutes last month and that I added his girlfriend to our friends and family numbers (cause we can’t afford the overages).
Observant, he is not.
I went to Barnes and Noble today. Just out of the blue. Cause I could. I didn’t ask for permission, I didn’t call to see if that would be alright. I just got in my car and went. Walmart and Barnes and Noble are conveniently located in the same shopping area, so I stopped at the bookstore first. It was an unplanned trip (sorry, J!) and was a way to kill a couple of hours before the library opened, which is where I spent most of my day. I picked up four books: Excel for Dummies (cause I’m pretty sure my not being proficient in Excel was one of the reasons I didn’t get either of those jobs), Word Press for Dummies (cause I’m pretty sure I’m not harnessing all of the power of this blog), a J.D. Robb novel I thought I hadn’t read (but I have – who cares? It’s so good, I’ll read it again) and a Kathy Reichs novel. I’ve never read her before, but I love “Bones” so I thought I’d give her a shot. I also got the cutest bag – not needed, but it was 50% off and I’m hardwired to buy stuff that is on sale for half off. Aren’t all women?
I’ll be honest, I felt like I was doing something bad when I drove out to shop. See, for the duration of our marriage (except for the last 2 years we were in Italy) we’ve only had one car. I would always have to ask if I could go shopping and then I would have to explain what I was going to buy and why. Because it was “his” money and “his” car. I surely won’t miss that when I leave. When I got back near home, I stopped at Taco Bell and had an supreme burrito and read my book and enjoyed the sun. Felt good not having to account for my whereabouts or what I was doing. Felt good to just be my own person and do what I wanted to do. That part of the divorce is a good thing.
Tonight, he had his own mini-breakdown. I hugged him as he cried and asked him what the problem was. He said everything just piled up on him – money, his job, the divorce. I understood, that’s why I hugged him. Sometimes you just need to offer comfort, even if it’s to someone you don’t like very much.
All in all, it wasn’t a horrible day. The sun shone until the evening and then we had an awesome lightning storm. Gotta love Nature’s light shows.
Basically I took today as it came at me – no expectations, no desires. Just one foot in front of the other in the hopes that I wouldn’t step off of a cliff.
Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe it will be worse. But no expectations. Just one foot in front of the other. Like another wise woman has said: take each moment as it comes and this, too, shall pass.