Sometimes I feel like a cauldron

I was reading a friend’s blog (and once I figure out how to link her blog to mine, you should go read her, too.  Awesome writer!) and she was talking about how it hit her all of the sudden, out of the blue, and caused her day to go to hell in a handbasket at warp speed.

I get that completely.  Today it hit me all of the sudden.  But it wasn’t sadness, it wasn’t tears.

It was hate.

I woke up this morning perfectly refreshed (thank you, Ambien) and went downstairs for my morning ritual of caffeine and a cigarette (I know, smoking is bad for you and I’m signed up for the smoking cessation class in a couple of weeks).  Let the dog out so she can go potty, turn on the light in the frog tank, check the ferrets water levels.

As I walked back upstairs to get the book I’m currently reading, I walked past the guest bathroom where he was taking a shower.  And I was filled with absolute hatred toward him.

Not hurt. Hate.

I really, really hate him this morning. I feel like a bubbling cauldron of hate.  It’s just boiling and boiling and boiling and today it boiled over.

I hate what he has done to me, to our marriage, to our family, to our plans.  I hate that he is so f*cking selfish, that he is going to throw away 16 years of marriage and history for some stupid little bitch that he knew 20 years ago.

I hate him today.

No, I shouldn’t hate anyone other than, say, Hitler or Stalin or someone really, really bad.  But this blog is about honesty.  It’s about writing about what is in me and what I feel.  Whether you, dear reader, ever go through something like this or not, I’ll always be honest with you.

And today, that honesty includes hatred.

I hate everything about him.  I hate how he chomps his gum, I hate how he dresses, I hate how he walks.  I hate how he ignores me.  I hate it all.  Makes me look up to these ladies (especially the first one!):

Not that I’m gonna kill my husband.  Not at all.  There’s no way I could do that.

But a girl can dream, right?


9 thoughts on “Sometimes I feel like a cauldron

  1. I’m sure you have heard this many times before, but I know exactly how you feel. I went through so many emotions going through my divorce. Even after it was final. Even a year after it was final. Even as recently as a few weeks ago (and we are both remarried-me happily-him, don’t really know, honestly don’t really care). I will say this though, in hopes that you can find comfort in knowing that it will very likely last for a lot longer than you’d desire: the hatred I feel now does not come from his choice to end us, our family and our dreams. The hatred I feel now only rears its ugly head when I think he’s not doing right by our kids. Even that has gotten better-he seems to actually be making an effort to be a better dad-finally.

    Like the old saying goes, “time heals all wounds,” the part of my heart that broken by him because he wanted out has completely healed, the part that broke up our family and hurt our kids hasn’t. But it has gotten better, I’m fine, really, the hurt I feel now is only for our kids when he does something stupid. And like I said, that’s getting better as well. So there is hope. Don’t forget that.

  2. Hi, I’ve been reading your blog for a little while and I’m incredibly impressed with how you have been handling everything after what your husband did to you.

    I look forward to reading more of you journey.

  3. I am enjoying reading your blog. Sounds funny to say that because I know how much you have been going through but I feel it validates all my own feeling and because I feel like they have an “asshole manual” that they read from because they are not very unique in what they do or say. Loved the cell block tango too. I remember when my daughter and I went to see the movie and she got me the soundtrack for my birthday. Everytime he did something that was stupid my daughter and I looked at each other and began singing, “He had it coming.” I regret having shared my frustration with my kids but they were teens at the time and each had their own frustration with their father. When we separated I told them it wasn’t about taking sides and that they needed to figure out how to maintain a relationship with him even if him and I had none. He had always been a great father to them and I think they all deserve to have a healthy relationship. Right now they have a minimal relationship. He has pushed everyone out of his life. Sad.
    Keep being strong and taking care of your own life.

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