Sometimes it just hits you

It’s weird sometimes.  How much I actually don’t miss having the asshole around.

Ok, I know that sentence makes no sense, but hang with me for a minute.

Yes, he was a dick.  Yes, he cheated on me.  Yes, he left me for another woman.

All of these things are fact.

But, I spent 16 years of my life with that jerk.  While that may not have been the best decision, it’s still fact.  Every evening, when he wasn’t TDY, he was home.  We would talk about our days, parent our children together, have dinner together.  We would laugh at the televisions shows we watched together.

But for all that, I don’t miss him.  A part of me worries sometimes, and not for very long actually, about the fact that I don’t miss him.  He was the center and focus of my life for over a decade and a half.  Everything I did was for him, about him, or with him.

And I don’t miss him.  Not one iota.

Here’s some more fun facts:

I love doing what I want when I want without having to rationalize or ask permission or explain myself.

I love not picking up his shit all over the house.  I’ve trained the kids to pick up their messes, for the most part, and it’s wonderful.

I love not having to argue with someone all the time (discounting my youngest son) about what I want to do or what I want to hang on the walls or what I’m wearing.

I love being single.

Do I miss having someone to share with?  Sometimes.  Sometimes I get lonely, but I have friends that are always happy to see me and don’t judge.

I’m tired of being judged.  I was so tired of being judged by the one person that was supposed to support me unreservedly.  I was so tired of being told that I was wrong or stupid or not worthy.

I was tired of the one person that was never supposed to withhold their love withholding it until they got what they wanted.

I was tired of sitting up like a trained dog to get that love.

I’m better than that.  I’m better than him.  I’m too good for someone like him.

No, this post isn’t a pity party.  It’s not a post to make you feel bad for me or congratulate me on realizations that I’ve come to that I should have come to so very long ago.

This post came out of the fact that it hit me today, like a ton of bricks, that I have moved on.  It’s weird.  I don’t have those epiphanies often.  I just put one foot in front of the other, doing what needs to be done.  Laundry, homework with the kids, making dinner, cleaning the house.

But, today, it struck me.  I don’t think about him much at all.  In fact, I don’t think about him except when I’m expecting my support checks or if he missed a payment.  Nothing I do pertains to him anymore.  I don’t talk to him or about him.  I don’t worry about what he is doing or who he is doing it with.

He is part of my past.  My recent past, yes, but my past nonetheless.

It feels good to say that.  To realize that.  To understand that he has no power over me anymore.

I’m looking forward to my future.  I can’t wait to start my new job working with the soldiers on the base.  I’m looking forward to April and June and some friends that are coming to visit.  I’m looking forward to this summer when the kids will be with him and I’ll have a little bit more freedom to do whatever strikes my fancy.

My birthday is tomorrow.  I won’t miss someone not baking me a birthday cake cause no one has for the last 16 years.  Besides, cake is fattening 🙂  I did get myself an early birthday gift on Friday:

I haven’t told my mom I got this yet,so for those reading that know her, please keep it on the DL for just a bit more.  I’ll tell her next week. (*yes, that’s for you Jen!)

This is my third tat.  I chose this one to remind myself to love myself and everything about myself.  To remind me that I’m worthy of unconditional love.  I added the butterfly because I love butterflies.  I look at it every few minutes to remind myself that I’m a good person just the way that I am.  Plus, I love the tattoo 🙂

Life is good.  I paid all of my bills this week and felt like a grownup.  Weird, but true.  I paid all of my bills and still have money left over, which means I must be doing something right.  My kids have decided that we need to go bowling together on Saturdays, and I’m looking forward to that.  I should be starting my new job this coming week, which is super exciting.

Life is good.  Life is great.  Life is amazing and, even though it brings issues and challenges, I know I’m up to meeting each one of them head on.

And I’ll love myself while I meet each of them.

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