No, this is not about my guilt trip.
I don’t take guilt trips anymore. Well, sometimes I have shopper’s remorse, but that’s about the only guilt trip I take these days.
No, I’m talking about guilt trips laid on my kids.
I’m not a bad mother. I don’t set out to scar my children for life. I don’t want them to grow up too quickly. My oldest son will sometimes mention that he should get a job to help out and I always tell him that his only job is to be a kid.
I truly believe that.
I’ll admit that my children have been pretty spoiled. I was a stay at home mother for a long time and it was so much easier (on me) to just do the housework myself and not worry about what kind of temper tantrum I would get from the kids about things I asked them to do.
It was also very hard to get the kids to do anything when the asshole wouldn’t back me up on them helping around the house.
Eventually I stopped trying. It was too exhausting to try to fight three of them.
Yes, I know. I’m reaping what I sowed.
My youngest son has been acting out, very badly, since the separation. He’s very angry with his father and me. Of course, the way that he found out about the divorce doesn’t help things either.
(As a reminder, he found out when the asshole announced to his softball team that he had asked for a divorce and that he already had a girlfriend. Classy, no?)
My oldest son has become even more quiet and has tried to avoid the issue entirely. But he’s also very angry at his father and me.
My youngest son lashes out, saying very nasty things to me and his brother. He does things like he did in the ortho clinic the other day, annoying and frustrating me unto tears.
The oldest has outbursts at school (he called one girl a “whore” and another boy an “asshole) and threatening to kill himself.
Now, before everyone gets up in arms, please let me assure you that I (and the behavioral psychiatrist at the school) do not believe that the oldest will attempt to kill himself. Let me also assure you that he is under a therapist’s care and has been for the last three years. The behavioral psychiatrist and I believe that this is his attempt to get attention.
Why would my oldest want that kind of attention, you ask?
Well, because from October through January of last year, his father basically ignored him trying to win over the youngest to his side. And I was so wrapped up in my panic and misery, I didn’t have much interaction with him either.
I can’t control the asshole, but I feel badly about what I didn’t do or failed to do.
OK, so this is partially my guilt trip, too.
Now that we have moved into our own little house and the asshole has made his way south, the oldest still feels a bit neglected. Why? Because the youngest’s behavior is so bad, and time consuming, that the oldest feels that he gets all of the attention.
He wouldn’t be wrong.
Tonight I laid a guilt trip on the youngest. He was behaving badly (as has, sadly, become the norm) and I finally just lit into him.
Told him he was selfish, that he was hurtful, that he never thinks before he speaks.
None of these statements are untrue.
I have tried to tell him nicely about these things. I have hollered and I have whispered. I have screamed and yelled.
Tonight I reached the end of my rope.
My youngest son exhausts me. He truly does. I told him this, too.
I know that this will only have a short lived affect on the child. But, here’s my plan. He leaves in 5 days for Spring Break with the asshole.
The boys will be gone for 10 days.
In that time, I will finish the book, “Parenting without power struggles” and I will book him an appointment with a psychiatrist/therapist.
When he comes back, he will be seeing a therapist regularly.
Because it has come to a head and I have come to realize that I can’t help him get over this anger and fix his issues without help.
I have to think about everyone in this house and not just the youngest (he is resistant to the idea of therapy). Sometimes they have to take the medicine whether they want to or not.
I’m hoping that the therapist will help. I’m hoping that she will help me identify ways to effectively deal with the youngest.
Cause nothing I’m doing is working.
Wish me luck.