Alright, let me lay this out

So, my oldest son has been seeing a therapist for the last 3 years.  He is autistic and I felt that this would be a good avenue for him to take and talk about his frustrations/issues.  Puberty is a hard time.  Mix in the autism and it’s really hard.

Mix in a divorce, and you have his own personal hell.

And I sympathize.  I understand that this is super hard for him.  He could completely hide from the divorce while we were all living in the same house.  Then the weekend that I moved out, he had to move into a hotel with his father and his father’s girlfriend and he couldn’t hide anymore.

I think it was quite a shock for him.

And I totally understand that.   But today, at the therapy session, I just wanted to yell at him.

I deserve a life!  I deserve to be happy!  I deserve to not feel guilty because my son doesn’t want me to have a life!

I waited a damn long time to be happy and I’m going to be.  I am going to make sure of it.

I understand that he’s hurting and I don’t want him to.  I want him to be happy.

But he has to come to grips with the fact that I’m going to date.  I’m going to go out.  I’m going to have a good time and I’m going to live my life and be happy.

And he has to come to grips with the facts that his father and I are never, ever getting back together.

Hence, the therapy sessions.

I was so angry with him for basically telling me that I couldn’t have a life.  Who the hell does he think he is?????

I refuse to allow my children to dictate to me how I’m going to live my life.  I have sacrificed so much for them, happily so, and I continue to sacrifice.  But I WILL NOT allow them to lecture me about my dating (which I don’t really do), my drinking (which I do even less than my dating), or any other bad habits I have.  I WILL NOT allow them to make me feel at all guilty about living an adult life.

I WILL continue to give them support, guidance and unconditional love.  I WILL continue to behave like a responsible adult and parent.  I WILL continue to sacrifice to make their lives better.  I WILL, most definitely, make time for myself and enjoy said time.

But know this.  My children will not control my social life, any more than their schedule already does.  I will be an adult and engage in adult activities and I will enjoy them.

Guess the boys will just have to come to grips with these realizations, too.



10 thoughts on “Alright, let me lay this out

  1. The energy of the current times is beckoning people around the world to reclaim their power, not out of disregard of others but out of respect for self. You are feeling it too, and it’s great that you are affirming what you want in life. Others aren’t as sure as you, and so they deny themselves. Great post, dear one! 🙂

    • Thank you. I think that it is the mark of a true woman, a strong woman, who realizes that she has to take time for herself in order to meet all of the demands on her time. I also think that it is a smart mommy, and a strong mommy, who doesn’t totally subjugate her life for her children. you have to show your children how to be well balanced. That’s my goal. Oh, and to have fun doing it!

  2. You post broke my heart. I too, have a son with autism. His father and I will separate very soon. He can not speak, so he expresses his rage by slamming his hands, feet and knees on the walls and floors. You son has the words to tell you about his distress. And… wow.

    • I’m so sorry. Having an autistic son who can speak, I know, is a blessing. I have friends whose autistic children cannot speak. It’s so very hard and I totally feel for you. My oldest lost his words for many years. I remember my frustration and, honestly, the jealousy I felt when other folks’ kids of the same age would use sentences to express their wants and needs. Kudos to you for the, I’m sure, amazing job that you are doing with your son. And I’m so sorry about your imminent separation. It’s hard. I hope that you can understand where I am coming from with this post. I think, rereading your comment, that maybe you cannot. But please, don’t judge. Just as each child, and situation, is different, so every autistic child reacts differently to their situation. My son is high functioning. I understand that it is hard for him, but he needs to accept the changes and not go all “teenager” about it. Which is what his therapist believes he is doing, with a good dose of autism thrown in. But, I stand by what I wrote. I will not be lectured by my children. They are children. That is disrespectful of them. I will live my life by the choices that I see fit for them and myself. I will fight daily for my children, as I have done in the past and will continue to do in the future. While I am sorry about your situation and completely empathize, I will continue to live my life as best I can.

  3. We left my father when I was 8 and, many years later, my mother would spit out that she could have been worst, she could have gone out and met other men and had a life etc. It’s true that she was always there, but she was never actually really there. She was filling herself with bile and resentment that still hasn’t left her. I often think that, if she had only gone and made a life for herself, she wouldn’t be so filled with hate. I guess I’m more commenting on how I don’t want to end up, but you need a life of your own and your children need you to have a life of your own too, even if they aren’t mature enough to realise it yet. x

    • That’s exactly why I have to have a life. I get so upset when I think about the asshole and how he gets to just do whatever he wants with not a second thought to the kids or whatnot on a daily basis. I don’t want to be filled with resentment and bile about what I’ve missed out on. I don’t want to neglect my children, and I never would, but I am not going to feel one bit guilty about getting a sitter twice a month so that I can go out for some adult time. I’m not going to feel guilty about enjoying the time that they are visiting their father to its fullest. They’ll soon understand that a happy mom makes for happy kids 🙂

  4. Although none of my children (six total; 4 still at home) are autistic, I have also battled their outright rejection of my need for a life separate and apart from them following my acrimonious divorce. But I needed to feel WHOLE in a way that I couldn’t if I limited myself to only the “mommy” portion of my identity. It’s not easy, nothing about life following a divorce is ever easy it seems, but it is important. Stick to your guns! And I hope that you eventually find the same kind of wonderful man that I finally have, one who loves my kids and wants to include them AT TIMES in the relationship he has with me.

    • It took me a good long while to realize that I wasn’t just a mommy and wife. I had a life outside of my home before the divorce and I’ll continue to do so, regardless of my children’s editorials about my life. I am a woman who has come into my own and is finally secure enough in herself to go out and have a good time. They realize, and will continue to realize, that I love them. But I’m not going to stop living my life just because I have kids at home. And if they think this is bad, wait till they move out and get a life of their own! LOL

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