Yesterday, 14 June 2012, was the 237th Birthday of the grand and mighty United States Army.
And, I wanted to share with you all a little something that one of my green-suiter friends sent along.
Hope you enjoy it.
In honor of the Army’s birthday, a (mostly) true and accurate history:
19 APR 1775 – Shots fired at Lexington & Concord. Nobody knows who. The terms ‘have some integrity’ and ‘negligent discharge’ are born.
14 JUNE 1775 – The Continental Army is formed. The originally proposed commander forgot his CAC pin and is unable to sign the necessary forms, so they got the next guy….General Washington.
25 DEC 1776 – General Washington crosses the Delaware, launching a surprise attack on the Hessian army in New Jersey. The General is promptly reprimanded for not filing a trip ticket.
3 JAN 1777 – A young lieutenant loses musket. The Platoon Sergeant is born.
1783 – 1812 – A series of conflicts emerge between the Native Americans and the Continental Army. The Army contended that the rule is unquestionably ‘i before e’. The Natives countered with ‘except after c’. Enter a very lame chapter 2 of most US History textbooks.
1812 – As usual, the Brits and the Frogs cant keep it in their pants. They get in a fight over CANADA of all things. Nobody cared until the American supply of game show hosts, comedians, and Crown Royal started running short. Enter – US Giving the Queen A Noogie Part Deux.
8 JAN 1815 – The Brits invade New Orleans and are met by Colonel Jackson’s Regulars. 75,815 cases of the herp reported, 12.5 million “hand grenades” thrown, 1 really catchy country song written. After the fog of war lifted, 12 American E-4’s got together to start a social club…..and thus Bourbon Street was born.
1822 – Battalion Commander bans smoking during staff meetings. Copenhagen is born.
1846 – A young NCO is recommended for commission as an officer. He chooses to wear civvies, not shave and go to work when it fits around his bar schedule. The Warrant Officer is born.
1861 – 1865 – The American Civil War. R&R gets a little tricky.
4 JUL 1863 – GEN Lee’s aid forgets to PMCS the horse and carriage. GEN Lee wants to do something without actually doing something. The counseling statement is born.
1865 – ???? – Those pesky Injuns wont take a hint.
8 JAN 1869 – Hell opens a fire exit. Fort Sill is born.
1898 – Spanish American War. Teddy does some gaw-damn soldierin’ before he does some gaw-damn presidentin’. The term gringo is born (seriously).
1917 – US enters World War I. The German use of mustard gas prompts the US to mass distro gas masks. The ‘sensitive item’ is born.
15 July 1918 – Second Battle of the Marne. 3ID hasnt shut the fuck up since.
7 DEC 1941 – The Empire of Japan didnt awaken a sleeping giant……it was up and fuckin’ wired. Dorie Miller, a Naval cook, manned an AA gun. The term ‘stay in your lane’ was born.
8 DEC 1941 – The finest Americans that ever lived, or ever will live, began a four year deployment. No bitching, no protesting….just cracking the Scotch bottle and adjusting testicles accordingly.
6 JUN 1944 – The largest air, ground and naval conflict in US history is launched. On the Higgins boats just prior to landing, a senior NCO is witnessed complaining about the length of soldiers’ hair. The rank of Sergeant Major is born.
6 AUG; 9 AUG 1945 – Fuck you and everybody within 20 miles of you.
10 AUG 1945 – The MOPP suit is born.
1945 – 1991 – Russia wants to one-up the US in every way. President Eisenhower is quoted as saying ‘LOL’.
25 JUNE 1950 – Korea Conflict jumps off, paving the way for US military OCONUS debauchery.
18 MAR 1953 – PV2 Murphy breaks ankle on ruck march. Nobody claims responsibility. Commander is blamed. The risk assessment is born.
24 NOV 1963 – President Johnson Specially inserts FORCES into Vietnam. Enter — know-it-all hippies with witty signs. The American people are quoted as saying “LOL”. America’s new greatest generation emerges and fights an ugly conflict. The term ‘activist’ is born. Nobody notices or gives a shit.
15 APR 1986 – Ronald ‘Honeybadger’ Reagan flexes nuts on Gaddafi.
20 DEC 1989 – President Bush un-asses Noriega, prompting Van Halen to jam a crunchy tune.
2 AUG 1990 – Set the hook on Saddam. We’ll reel him in when we are good and ready.
3 AUG 1990 – PFC Smith is run over by a deuce-and-a-half in the motor pool. The ground guide is born.
6 FEB 1993 – SPC Johnson is hit by car at FT Bragg (figures). His chain of command is blamed. The PT Belt is born.
25 OCT 1999 – US Army declares war on fun. General Order #1, fraternization laws, and Captains are born.
2001 – present – The sons of Vietnam Vets and WWII Vets take their place amongst their forefathers. Oh….and the army gets a buncha different uniforms for some made up reason.