Well, what in the hell do you want, then?

I have the opportunity this weekend to spend 3 days and 2 nights with a charming gentleman.  I will be taking advantage of the opportunity, but not without some trepidation. 

You see, this gentleman (and he is, in every sense, a gentleman) and I met over 13 years ago.  We stayed in periodic contact over the years as just friends.  By periodic, I mean once a year.  This guy never failed to remember when my birthday is.  He would always send a message on my birthday.

He’s quite charming and laid back.  Very smart and funny.  Just a couple of years older than I am.  He’s smart and has a great job.  He’s ambitious and he’s definitely doing alright for himself in the money arena.

I know you’re asking yourself, “So, what’s not to like?”

Nothing.  There’s nothing about him not to like.  I like him just fine.

I’m afraid that he wants more.  I’m afraid that now that I’m single, he’s going to want a lot more from me.  I mean, that’s a reasonable idea, right?  He’s stayed in touch with me for over a decade and now that I’m single, he’s made trips up here (he lives in FL) just to see me.

So the idea that he wants a more serious relationship is not unfounded.

Problem is, I don’t want a relationship with him.

I mean, honestly, he’s perfect in every way.  So, why doesn’t he flip my switch?

Here I am, presented with a man that’s pretty durn good in the sack and is very mature and everything that would honestly go on my list of must haves, and I don’t see him as anything more than a friend with bennies.

It begs the question, what the hell do I want?

Yesterday, the 10th, marked one year since the asshole asked me for a divorce.  When I thought about it, this gentleman I’m seeing is the exact opposite of my husband, which is a good thing.

But why isn’t he enough?  What do I want?

I want someone who dominates my thoughts.  I want a man that I want to touch whenever I’m within a foot of him.  I want a man who makes my heart skip a beat when I think of him.  I want my breath to catch when I wake up next to him in the morning.  I want my toes to curl when he touches me.  I want to feel like I’ve come home when I step into his arms.  I want a man who understands that I don’t need to be rescued.  I want a man that sees me as an equal partner.  I want a man who cherishes me. I want a man who respects me.  I want a man that understands that I may not be “up” all the time.  I want a man who is just as comfortable cuddling with me as he is with making love with me.  I want a man who is secure in his manhood.  I want a man that thinks my opinions are important.  I want a man who loves every single inch of me, even if those inches get pretty big.  I want someone to compliment me, not complete me.  I want a man who revels in my triumphs and sympathizes with my failures. I want a man who is comfortable with me being me.  I want a man who wants me to support him and will support me in everything.  I want a man that feels the exact same way about me that I feel about him.

Yes, I want it all.

Maybe that’s too much to ask.  But I will NEVER settle again.

Like a very wise friend said, “Settling is settling, even if the guy is amazing.”

I don’t want to settle.  More, I refuse to settle.  I settled for 16 years. 

Never again.



20 thoughts on “Well, what in the hell do you want, then?

  1. I think in some ways it is still too soon for him to be even asking you for more. You are still having to deal with your husband sorting out the divorce, you have not had space and time to even begin contemplating what you want. If he is a true friend he will stick around, once all the stresses of the divorce are behind you, who knows how you will feel but for now you are entitled to have some fun and not think about the future, to enjoy now. And if you feel the same way you are right you should never settle for okay you deserve amazing

  2. Part of me says damn straight don’t settle! the other part of me says girl you’re crazy that man does not exist! so guess its like good and evil and depends which one whispers in your ear on which day haha. By all means though be happy because that is what truly matters at the end of the day.

  3. They do exist! I married one! I do realize I am one of the few lucky ones that find their “mate for life” early on, hell at all. I agree…dont settle because when you do find “that one perfect mate for you” you will know it and it will indeed feel like coming home when you step into their arms. Settle for nothing less that that. Even if you fight like cats and dogs….all that means is there is a tremendous amount of passion there and its good for something other than arguing. 😉 The fact that you have not found him yet means that you weren’t meant to yet. Good luck on your search!!

  4. Not only does that exist but sometimes it is found in the strangest places and at the strangest times, when we least expect it. I wanted all that but not right now, thanks. Said 15 years ago after a 10 years of living mostly apart from my then husband. We were waiting for our last child to head off to university in 2 years, little did I know what was really happening.

    Yesterday I celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary with a man who was all the things I wanted and more. Just wasn’t looking. All my son said to me when I told him 9 months into the relationship was – “what took you so long?”

  5. Couple of things; First is, this was a really well written post (except for one thing which your answer to a question to follow will tell me more about) and if it were fiction it would be good fiction.

    But it’s not. it’s real life. Your real life, so, second: I’ve never seen a better stated self fulfilling prophecy. Read this post to yourself once a week or more in case you weaken and get tempted to settle. (Hell, I’m going to copy this and read it myself every now and then in case I’m tempted:)

    Thirdly, the friends with benefits thing is good fun with company and he’ll probably take what he can get until his ‘not settling’ question gets answered. So relax, go with the flow and know that I envy you. (and if he doesn’t get it, show him this post. It is nothing if not eloquent.)

    Now, that question I mentioned earlier: In your fourteenth paragraph, which, by the way is brilliant, you say, “a man who will compliment me, not complete me…” Did you mean to write ‘complement’ vs. ‘compliment’? Each fits in the sentence but each gives different meaning to the sentence. My vote is for complement. Not niggling, just wanted you to see how each effects the big picture.

    Rock on, woman. You sound totally on top of things.



    • I did mean to write “complement” rather than “compliment” (although, compliments are always welcome!) 🙂 Thank you for reading and your insight. It’s always welcome. The weekend went a really well and we’re good with friends with bennies, for now. I’ll remember to read this if I think of settling in the future. I’m worth more than a settle. I am worth the moon! And so are you!!!!

  6. He is not in charge of you!!!! Red Alert, RED FLAG! Trust your gut, don’t let him manipulate you, you DO deserve exactly the kind of relationship you describe, trust your gut girl! Read the book “Dead End Lovers: How To Avoid Them And Find True Intimacy” Also, read “Red Flags of Love Fraud, 10 ways to tell if you are dating a sociopath”. Both available on Amazon, in Kindle & book form. You will never ask yourself these questions again or doubt what you are deserving of. You may end up telling this guy to take a hike and you will never look back. DO NOT IGNORE YOUR GUT, your angels are whispering to you to guide you to happiness, follow them! Good luck!

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