Good Enough

As any of you that have read this blog since the beginning (THANK YOU!) know, my divorce was rough.

You know the marriage was rougher.

Ward and June Cleaver we weren’t, that’s for damn sure.

Who cleans house in high heels and pearls??

Who cleans house in high heels and pearls??

I wasn’t spectacular to him. I’ll take responsibility for my share of blame in the collapse of our marriage. To be sure, he wasn’t spectacular to me. The only honest thing he did before he left with that other woman (I’m working hard at reining in my Bitter Bitch) was to admit that he had spent 16 years emotionally and mentally abusing me.

Yes, he admitted it. Shocking, no?

And, here we are, over two years since the separation and almost two years from the divorce and I’m still dealing with that crap.

hand tiedHow frustrating is that? I know that I can’t expect to be over it immediately. I know that I will feel the effects for years. But I have made so much progress in coming back to life that it is so defeating sometimes to know that I am still trying to untie myself from his definition of who I was.

It is so very hard to recover your self-esteem, your sense of self, when you spent 16 years with the person that you pledged to love and who pledged to love you, trying to do the best you could and it was never enough.

You were never smart enough.

You were never skinny enough.

You were never pretty enough.not good enough

You were never sexy enough.

You were never a good enough mother.

You were never a good enough housekeeper.

You were never…..

Nothing I ever did was good enough for him.

When the man that you have married tells you that you are subpar at every level on a daily basis, you don’t just get over that in a snap.

So, here we are, two years later, and I’ve met this guy. He’s pretty terrific. OK, he’s more than pretty terrific, but we’re not going to go into massive details. Let’s just say that he’s very sexy, very smart, extremely witty, a talented storyteller and so much more *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*.

He’ll tell me that I’m beautiful and sexy and smart. He does so with regularity and ease. You can tell that he means it, that he’s not lying to just get into my pants. I can tell he means it. Truly means these things that he says.

And I want to believe him. I do. I want to see what he sees. I want to feel that I’m beautiful, sexy and smart.

Sometimes, when we talk or when I’m with him, I feel it. I feel like I’m all of those things and more. I feel like Superwoman having a man as great as him think those things about me.

But, when our conversation is done, or I go home, or even sometimes when we are chatting, I wonder what it is that he sees.

I know he can’t be seeing the same woman I see. That woman isn’t smart, nor sexy, nor beautiful. She doesn’t have anything to offer to a great man like him. Why does he still talk to me?

For 16 years I was told that I wasn’t beautiful, sexy or smart. For 16 years I was told that I wasn’t enough. So, how can I be enough for this man who has everything in the world to offer a woman?

And therein, my friends, lies the issue.

I have to stop wondering what I should do to “be enough” for a man in my life and just be me. Be myself in all things.

Good enoughI have to stop trying to be anything for anyone and just be the person that I am.

I have to just be me.

I have to be that woman whose eyebrows are never plucked quite right, whose roots constantly need touching up, whose house is never clean enough, who feeds too many stray cats because she’s a sucker for them. I have to be that dorky lady who laughs too loudly at lousy puns, who thinks science jokes, Doctor Who and Cosmos are pretty awesome. I have to embrace my almost bottomless pit of trivia about nothing that anyone in the world cares about. I have to appreciate my love of all things J.D. Robb, Patricia Briggs, Laurell K. Hamilton, and J.K. Rowling. I have to be political and care about what is going on in the world. I have to be all of those things.

Because all of those things make up the person I want to be.

If somewhere along the way I happen to be lucky enough to find someone who is willing to accept me with all of my quirks and my dorkiness and my lame jokes and my obscure passions, and also finds me sexy and beautiful and smart, then that will make me a pretty lucky lady.

It doesn’t mean that I will not ever have periods of self-doubt. Bouncing back from a bad relationship isn’t easy and it takes time.

But I have to stop wondering what he sees in me, why he likes to spend time with me, what the attraction is. Instead of questioning it, I need to just accept it.

It doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter what.

All that matters is: He does.

That’s good enough for me.

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6 thoughts on “Good Enough

  1. What you had were 16 years of listening to someone lie. Someone who used you to make himself feel superior when he was probably jealous in the first place.
    Knowing you were with a liar, what you need to do is go home, sit in front of your dressing table mirror and just look at yourself. Listen to the ex make a few remarks then shut him up by seeing yourself properly and calling him the liar he is.
    Then listen to the words of the new man in your life and knowing he’s not a liar, he has no need to lie, just open your eyes properly and see the beautiful, alive, sexy and vivacious woman you are. Once you see the truth, no-one’s lies can change it for you again.

    xxx Hugs Galore xxx

    • I love that a man replied to this and said everything that needed saying although I would like to add that while looking in that mirror, repeat that mantra “I am beautiful…I am simply enough”. Those that truly know YOU know this already, those that dont or never did…never knew you or ( and I prefer this scenario) Hated themselves for not being enough FOR YOU.

      Women are notoriously hard on ourselves….men are not as judgmental. As Women we have been programmed since little girls that if you are not pretty enough you arent loveable, if you arent skinny enough no one will want you, So then we try for smart and are told we are never going to be smarter than our male counterparts. SO we start life with the deck stacked against us….its up to ourselves to pull us back up only to have other woman judge us and send us right back down in a emotional abyss of not ‘being enough”.
      I think getting older does and doesnt help much in this area. As we age things start to sag, weight gets harder to take off, wrinkles set in and those grey hairs pop up out of nowhere ( just found my first 3 this last week!). BUT, with this comes a “who gives a cr*p what others think and feel about me”attitude.Its gloriously freeing…embrace it!

      • Girl, you just got your first three? Lucky dog! I’ve been going gray since I was 22 and pregnant with the first one. (Loreal is best for the stubborn grays, when you’re ready for that). Wait till you find grays in your eyebrows and elsewhere. That was really depressing!!!

        I’m slowly moving towards truly accepting that I just don’t give a crap. I’ve been faking that for years, but I’m trying hard to get there. And, you’re right. Women are very hard on themselves and each other, which is quite depressing. Instead of supporting each other, we look at each other as competition and we treat each other badly in an effort to make ourselves look good. Call it catty, snarky, bitchy or whatever. What it boils down to is women defeating other women, treating them badly, to help themselves get ahead.

        And don’t get me started on how the deck is stacked against us. Let’s just say I fully agree with your assessment….as a starting point 🙂

        Thanks for your encouraging words, as well. I wish we lived closer to each other. We would definitely have to have a girl’s night!

    • Thank you so much for your kind words, and very sage advice. I am trying, very hard, to do just that. It takes a little while to undo what has been done, but I’m working on it. 🙂

  2. Thanks.  I always look forward to your emails cause of my position.

    My so called husband left me for a much, much younger Thai woman and they have a 4 years old son.  

    I have been in pain for a while and hope one day I will be strong like you.

    Best regards judy

    • Thank you. Believe me, I’m not strong all the time. I lean on my friends and family when I need to. There’s no shame in that. It’s so hard, I know. But, you’re still kicking, so you’re stronger than you know! Keep moving forward, keep looking to your future and what you want for yourself, and you’ll be good. Make sure it’s what you want because of what you want and not what anyone else wants. Then you’ll be alright, I promise. You’ll get there. He doesn’t know what he lost when he left. You’re stronger than you know.

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