I have the opportunity this weekend to spend 3 days and 2 nights with a charming gentleman. I will be taking advantage of the opportunity, but not without some trepidation.
You see, this gentleman (and he is, in every sense, a gentleman) and I met over 13 years ago. We stayed in periodic contact over the years as just friends. By periodic, I mean once a year. This guy never failed to remember when my birthday is. He would always send a message on my birthday.
He’s quite charming and laid back. Very smart and funny. Just a couple of years older than I am. He’s smart and has a great job. He’s ambitious and he’s definitely doing alright for himself in the money arena.
I know you’re asking yourself, “So, what’s not to like?”
Nothing. There’s nothing about him not to like. I like him just fine.
I’m afraid that he wants more. I’m afraid that now that I’m single, he’s going to want a lot more from me. I mean, that’s a reasonable idea, right? He’s stayed in touch with me for over a decade and now that I’m single, he’s made trips up here (he lives in FL) just to see me.
So the idea that he wants a more serious relationship is not unfounded.
Problem is, I don’t want a relationship with him.
I mean, honestly, he’s perfect in every way. So, why doesn’t he flip my switch?
Here I am, presented with a man that’s pretty durn good in the sack and is very mature and everything that would honestly go on my list of must haves, and I don’t see him as anything more than a friend with bennies.
It begs the question, what the hell do I want?
Yesterday, the 10th, marked one year since the asshole asked me for a divorce. When I thought about it, this gentleman I’m seeing is the exact opposite of my husband, which is a good thing.
But why isn’t he enough? What do I want?
I want someone who dominates my thoughts. I want a man that I want to touch whenever I’m within a foot of him. I want a man who makes my heart skip a beat when I think of him. I want my breath to catch when I wake up next to him in the morning. I want my toes to curl when he touches me. I want to feel like I’ve come home when I step into his arms. I want a man who understands that I don’t need to be rescued. I want a man that sees me as an equal partner. I want a man who cherishes me. I want a man who respects me. I want a man that understands that I may not be “up” all the time. I want a man who is just as comfortable cuddling with me as he is with making love with me. I want a man who is secure in his manhood. I want a man that thinks my opinions are important. I want a man who loves every single inch of me, even if those inches get pretty big. I want someone to compliment me, not complete me. I want a man who revels in my triumphs and sympathizes with my failures. I want a man who is comfortable with me being me. I want a man who wants me to support him and will support me in everything. I want a man that feels the exact same way about me that I feel about him.
Yes, I want it all.
Maybe that’s too much to ask. But I will NEVER settle again.
Like a very wise friend said, “Settling is settling, even if the guy is amazing.”
I don’t want to settle. More, I refuse to settle. I settled for 16 years.