Insomnia

It is 2 am and I can’t sleep. I hate when this happens, as it inevitably does, ever so often. My eyes want to close, feel tired and gritty, but then I lay there for hours, just thinking.

I think about things I want to do, things I should have done. Mistakes I made and directions I want to go. On the worst nights, I play “what if,” which is so destructive.

So, I sit here in my bed, watching movies on Netflix to keep my errant mind from wandering too far afield.insomnia

I find myself wondering what you’re dreaming about. If it’s sexy or sweet. If I’m there in your dreams. I know I shouldn’t wonder. I know it’s probably a little creepy that I admit it. But I do wonder.

My dog is under the bed, snoring. Ever so often she dreams and yips in her sleep. I wonder if she’s dreaming of a field full of bacon, all there for her enjoyment. All three cats are fast asleep as well, dreaming of world domination, no doubt. The kids are passed out. I can hear my oldest sometimes talking in his sleep. It’s sweet.

couple sleepingAnd here I sit. Wishing I could sleep like everyone else in the house. Wishing I could sleep in your arms, honestly. Wondering what it would feel like to have you warm at my back, your breath feathering the hair on the nape of my neck. Your arm thrown across my ribs and cradled against my chest, your knees tucked behind mine. Our feet touching, gently.

If I could sleep, I know I would dream of you.

If I could sleep.
.

Well, what in the hell do you want, then?

I have the opportunity this weekend to spend 3 days and 2 nights with a charming gentleman.  I will be taking advantage of the opportunity, but not without some trepidation. 

You see, this gentleman (and he is, in every sense, a gentleman) and I met over 13 years ago.  We stayed in periodic contact over the years as just friends.  By periodic, I mean once a year.  This guy never failed to remember when my birthday is.  He would always send a message on my birthday.

He’s quite charming and laid back.  Very smart and funny.  Just a couple of years older than I am.  He’s smart and has a great job.  He’s ambitious and he’s definitely doing alright for himself in the money arena.

I know you’re asking yourself, “So, what’s not to like?”

Nothing.  There’s nothing about him not to like.  I like him just fine.

I’m afraid that he wants more.  I’m afraid that now that I’m single, he’s going to want a lot more from me.  I mean, that’s a reasonable idea, right?  He’s stayed in touch with me for over a decade and now that I’m single, he’s made trips up here (he lives in FL) just to see me.

So the idea that he wants a more serious relationship is not unfounded.

Problem is, I don’t want a relationship with him.

I mean, honestly, he’s perfect in every way.  So, why doesn’t he flip my switch?

Here I am, presented with a man that’s pretty durn good in the sack and is very mature and everything that would honestly go on my list of must haves, and I don’t see him as anything more than a friend with bennies.

It begs the question, what the hell do I want?

Yesterday, the 10th, marked one year since the asshole asked me for a divorce.  When I thought about it, this gentleman I’m seeing is the exact opposite of my husband, which is a good thing.

But why isn’t he enough?  What do I want?

I want someone who dominates my thoughts.  I want a man that I want to touch whenever I’m within a foot of him.  I want a man who makes my heart skip a beat when I think of him.  I want my breath to catch when I wake up next to him in the morning.  I want my toes to curl when he touches me.  I want to feel like I’ve come home when I step into his arms.  I want a man who understands that I don’t need to be rescued.  I want a man that sees me as an equal partner.  I want a man who cherishes me. I want a man who respects me.  I want a man that understands that I may not be “up” all the time.  I want a man who is just as comfortable cuddling with me as he is with making love with me.  I want a man who is secure in his manhood.  I want a man that thinks my opinions are important.  I want a man who loves every single inch of me, even if those inches get pretty big.  I want someone to compliment me, not complete me.  I want a man who revels in my triumphs and sympathizes with my failures. I want a man who is comfortable with me being me.  I want a man who wants me to support him and will support me in everything.  I want a man that feels the exact same way about me that I feel about him.

Yes, I want it all.

Maybe that’s too much to ask.  But I will NEVER settle again.

Like a very wise friend said, “Settling is settling, even if the guy is amazing.”

I don’t want to settle.  More, I refuse to settle.  I settled for 16 years. 

Never again.