Insomnia

It is 2 am and I can’t sleep. I hate when this happens, as it inevitably does, ever so often. My eyes want to close, feel tired and gritty, but then I lay there for hours, just thinking.

I think about things I want to do, things I should have done. Mistakes I made and directions I want to go. On the worst nights, I play “what if,” which is so destructive.

So, I sit here in my bed, watching movies on Netflix to keep my errant mind from wandering too far afield.insomnia

I find myself wondering what you’re dreaming about. If it’s sexy or sweet. If I’m there in your dreams. I know I shouldn’t wonder. I know it’s probably a little creepy that I admit it. But I do wonder.

My dog is under the bed, snoring. Ever so often she dreams and yips in her sleep. I wonder if she’s dreaming of a field full of bacon, all there for her enjoyment. All three cats are fast asleep as well, dreaming of world domination, no doubt. The kids are passed out. I can hear my oldest sometimes talking in his sleep. It’s sweet.

couple sleepingAnd here I sit. Wishing I could sleep like everyone else in the house. Wishing I could sleep in your arms, honestly. Wondering what it would feel like to have you warm at my back, your breath feathering the hair on the nape of my neck. Your arm thrown across my ribs and cradled against my chest, your knees tucked behind mine. Our feet touching, gently.

If I could sleep, I know I would dream of you.

If I could sleep.
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Nope, not really smiling today

Man, I’ve been depressing to be around lately.  I can feel it coming – the dreaded depressive episode.

Being bipolar totally sucks.

I apologize for not being my cheery self lately, but so many things are going on and the weather surely isn’t cooperating.

Rain does not a happy me make.

Yes, I am bipolar.  No, I am not medicated.  I tried medication about 6 years ago and it was horrible.  Horrible.

How to describe it?  Hmmmm…..

Imagine being blind and then being shown a rainbow.  Or being deaf and then taken to a Pearl Jam concert.

Yeah, that’s how the meds made me feel.

Oh, and they made my hair fall out.

Always a bonus, right?  Don’t feel happy?  Great!  We’ll give you these medications that totally overwhelm you and then, as an added bonus, your hair will fall out in huge, fat hunks like a chemo patient.

No, I’m not medicated.  Thank you, very much.

I actually don’t have the depressive episodes very often.  An hour in the sun or doing some kind of exercise helps to stave them off.  Watching my darling animals play together, or sleep….

 

Spending time with my kids….

These things help me snap out of a funk.

I mean, who could look at any of those faces and not smile?

See, it’s working already.

There are things that I have learned NOT to do when I feel a funk coming on:

– Don’t listen to Barry Manilow.  Now, I love me some Manilow (I can sing along with him), but most of his songs are tear jerkers (“Mandy” anyone?).  Unless it’s “Copacabana” or “Band Stand Boogie.”  Those are the only two exceptions.

– Don’t watch any of the following movies:  “Terms of Endearment,” “Steel Magnolias,” “Old Yeller,” or “marley & me.”   The only exception:  You can watch “marley & me” but you have to turn it off before they move into the country.

– Don’t “sad dial.”  This is worse than drunk dialing cause you’re not under the influence of any kind of illegal chemical.  This would also cover “sad letter writing,” and/or “sad blogging.”  These are no-gos.

– Don’t ask yourself any “what if” questions.  Examples of these would be, “What if I said (whatever) to (whomever)….would my life have been different?” Or, “What if I had actually (done this) at (this time)….would I be here?”  These are useless, pointless questions and will not change your situation at all.

What you can do:

– Listen to upbeat music. I highly suggest upbeat, meaningless music with a driving beat and something you can at least lip-synch to.  For example, Victoria Justice “Freak the freak out.”  Good one to dance to.  Stay away from Adele – all of 21 is a break up album.  Not a good choice.

– Do watch a kick-ass/funny/horror movie that will take you out of your current situation.  I would highly suggest a mindless summer blockbuster of years past like “Men in Black,” “Independence Day,” and/or “Battlefield L.A.”  These movies are so far outside the realm of possibility (right now) that you can’t help but enjoy yourself.  Caveat – You MAY NOT, at any time, watch “E.T.”  That is another one of those that falls in the list above.

– Do call someone that loves you unconditionally who will know how to cheer you up without too many questions asked.  Maybe they’ll offer a shoulder for you to cry on for the moment, maybe they’ll offer a hug, maybe they’ll offer a bottle of Jack Daniels.  Whatever they offer, they offer it unconditionally and will help you out of your funk.

– Do ask yourself, “What do I want/need.”  Then set about getting them.  If you’re focused on something bigger than yourself, a dream or some such, then that will help.

See, y’all have helped and you didn’t have to do anything but read my ramblings.  I’m sitting here smiling again.

Thank you for hanging out and listening to me go on….

Oh, and I’m sure Aerosmith “Walk(ing) This Way” helped, too!!! 🙂