Insomnia

It is 2 am and I can’t sleep. I hate when this happens, as it inevitably does, ever so often. My eyes want to close, feel tired and gritty, but then I lay there for hours, just thinking.

I think about things I want to do, things I should have done. Mistakes I made and directions I want to go. On the worst nights, I play “what if,” which is so destructive.

So, I sit here in my bed, watching movies on Netflix to keep my errant mind from wandering too far afield.insomnia

I find myself wondering what you’re dreaming about. If it’s sexy or sweet. If I’m there in your dreams. I know I shouldn’t wonder. I know it’s probably a little creepy that I admit it. But I do wonder.

My dog is under the bed, snoring. Ever so often she dreams and yips in her sleep. I wonder if she’s dreaming of a field full of bacon, all there for her enjoyment. All three cats are fast asleep as well, dreaming of world domination, no doubt. The kids are passed out. I can hear my oldest sometimes talking in his sleep. It’s sweet.

couple sleepingAnd here I sit. Wishing I could sleep like everyone else in the house. Wishing I could sleep in your arms, honestly. Wondering what it would feel like to have you warm at my back, your breath feathering the hair on the nape of my neck. Your arm thrown across my ribs and cradled against my chest, your knees tucked behind mine. Our feet touching, gently.

If I could sleep, I know I would dream of you.

If I could sleep.
.

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No time….no time at all

Like everyone who has a blog here, or in the world, there seems like there is no time at all to get everything done.  I feel like I don’t have time to breathe, much less fit in the the things that I want to do or enjoy doing.

Here’s a snapshot of my day:

0500 – wake up

0500-0600 – get showered, dressed, hair done, made up, accessorized, etc.

0600-0700 – get children up, dressed, fed, brushed teeth, comb hair, etc.

0700 – 0735 – leave house, take children to school

0735-0750 – travel from youngest son’s school to work

0800-1700 – work

Some nights, I work another job.  That means from 1700 – 1930 I’m at my other job.  On these nights, just remove the quiet time for me and the picking up the house times and that’ll be my night.

Other nights, the rest of my day goes something like this:

1700 – 1730 – pick up children, socialize with babysitter for a minute (seems rude to just pick up kids and run)

1730 – 1735 – get home and greet dog (she insists on at least 5 minutes of rubbin’ and cooin’ before she’s happy)

1735 – 1830 – dinner cooked, eaten, kitchen cleaned up

1830 – 1930 – help children with homework

1930 – 2030 – showers, spend time with kids/spend time unwinding

2030 – 2130  – kids watching TV while I pick up house, make lunches for the next day, thrown in a load of laundry

2130 – bedtime for the kids

2130 – 2200 – take some quiet time for myself

2200 – 2230 – do nightly face washing, etc., then bed

I wish I had time to watch television or crochet/knit (like I love to do), or craft at all.  I wish I had time to go to the gym or take the dog for a walk.

Where do I find this time without sacrificing the other things that need to be done around the house?

I really have to get to bed by 1030, at the latest, otherwise I’m not good for any damn thing the next day.  Gone are the days where I could stay up till 3 am and still be able to function the next day.

I feel like I manage my time pretty well.  I feel like I should be able to fit the workout/walk in there somewhere.  I really want to get to the gym and I would love to walk my dog again.  I used to walk her every evening for at least 4 miles. She loved it, she needed it, and I loved doing it with her.  Maybe, when the weather gets warmer, I’ll be able to swing by and pick her up before I pick up the kids and I’ll be able to walk her before I get home.

I knew that being a single mom would be hard, but damn.  I didn’t realize how hard it would be!

Guess it proves the maxim, “Freedom isn’t free.” 🙂

 

I am

I am bipolar.  It does not define me, but I do not ignore it.

I am adopted.  The greatest gift my biological mother gave me was to give me to two of the most wonderful parents a girl could ever ask for.

I am the oldest.  I have two younger brothers….one adopted and one that wasn’t.  Guess which one everyone assumed was adopted… LOL

I am a college graduate.  I majored in history and minored in English and graduated last August.

I am a mother.  I have two beautiful children, boys.  Even when they’re being bad, they’re great….well, maybe not in that instant.

I am the proud mother of a special needs child.

I am a working woman.  I have a 9-5 job doing working for people that deserve my undying gratitude.

I am an avid reader.  I love to read and one of my fave books is “To Kill a Mockingbird.”

I am a gatherer of useless trivia.  For example, “The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” was originally composed for the glass armonica.

I am an avid movie watcher.  One of my favorites is “Citizen Kane,” and I cannot wait to see “Ted,” by Seth McFarland.

I am 5’7″.

I am a horrible cook, but a pretty good baker.

I am a lover of Tex-Mex food.

I am a horrible housekeeper, cause I hate housework.

I am the woman that loves to work on cars.

I am a smoker, but hope to put “ex-smoker” here soon.

I am a lover of wine, but only in moderation.

I am the person you send your plants to if you want them to die.

I am a lover of animals.  All animals, even scaly ones.  However, this love does not include any kind of arachnid or roach.

I am a military brat.  I have lived in 8 states and 2 countries.

I am well travelled.  Thank you, Dad, for taking us on driving trips every summer.

I am generous, most of the time.  Or, I try to be.

I am a talker.  I’m working on my listening skills.

I am a toucher.  When we talk, I’ll touch you on your arm or hand numerous times.

I am polite.  Everyone I meet is “sir” or “ma’am.”  These will never steer you wrong.

I am a disciplinarian of my children, and yours if you refuse to do so.

I am the person that knows that family is not defined by blood and I have many family members around the world.

I am someone that loves thunderstorms.  Nature’s fury makes me smile.

I am a lover of fighter jets.

I am very empathetic to almost anyone’s situation….as long as it’s not caused by their own stupidity.

I am a romantic at heart.

I am a person that gives her heart fully when she decides to give it.

I am a football fan and can’t wait for the football season to start!

I am more comfortable hanging out with guys than girls.

I am a master at putting my foot in my mouth.  What can I say?  I like the taste!

I am an aggressive driver and scare men when they ride with me.

I am the person you see singing and dancing in the driver’s seat of her car.

I am someone who has finally come to love sex and be comfortable with that.

I am someone who talks to herself.

I am a military veteran.

I am a proud person who understands the value of humility.

I am the person that says “yes” when you ask for help, even when she should say “no.”

I am fascinated by organized religion, but don’t claim any affiliation with one.

I am an absolutely, positively lapsed Catholic.

I am a two-time divorcee.

I am the bearer of scars from past relationships, but still give love freely.

I am the person that will find a silver lining in any situation, no matter how thin that lining is.

I am a night owl.

I am someone who has looked hard at herself and learned some hard truths about who she is.

I am the person that has learned from past mistakes.

I am stronger than I thought I ever could be.

I am single and loving it!

I am almost 40, a number that seemed so old to me just a few years ago.

I am a child at heart.

I am all of these things and more.

I am who I am and I’m alright with that.

 

 

The Mexican Food Adventure

Friday was shit.  I’ll just say it that way, cause it’s easier than getting into all of it.  Suffice it to say, it couldn’t end soon enough.

And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “And that’s all I have to say about that.”

Saturday was pretty awesome.  I know I’ve talked about her here before, but let me touch on the subject again.  My best friend, my sister…we’ve known each other since we were 6.  For those of y’all counting that’s something like thirty*cough,cough* years.  LOL  Seriously, we’ve known each other a long time.

As luck would have it, her husband got stationed here at the same base where I work.  They just got here in October, so I know that I have a good three-four years before they move on to another base.  I can’t tell you how excited I am that they are here!  It’s wonderful to know that, if I want, I can just hop in my car and drive 20 minutes to her house and see her.

Yesterday, she called and wanted to know if I wanted to fulfill her desire for some Mexican food by going with her to dinner.  Now, for those of y’all that know me, you know that my one food weekness is Tex-Mex.  I love it, I adore it, I eat it till I feel like I’m gonna explode!  It is my favorite kind of food, hands down.  So, of course, I was happy to go with her to dinner!

Now, being new here, she told me that there were two choices – one that I knew was about an hour away and the other, when she told me the town, was only about 45 minutes away.

What a difference an “H” makes!

Yes, she confused two cities where the names sound very similar but are very, very different in driving times.  We ended up going about 1.5 hours north to eat at this little hole in the wall restaurant that had amazing food.  The only draw back – no liquor license!

However, the food was awesome!  I ate 2.5 enchiladas, refried beans, rice, and the two of us mowed through two baskets of chips with amazing salsa and terrific, homemade guacamole.

My pants were a little tight when we were done.  It was really good food and the company was even better!  The kids went with us and we all ate, well except the youngest who was being a butt.  Since that’s par for the course most days, it didn’t even detract from the wonderful tastes in my mouth!

We drove home, stopped by her house and fed her doggies, came back to my place and then headed to Dairy Queen for some amazing ice cream.  I went to bed a full and happy person.

It’s amazing how one Saturday with your oldest friend on a quest for good Mexican food can totally wipe out the horrid day before.

Thank God for Sisters!

 

You ever have one of those nights?

I’ve had nights where I don’t remember everything.  I’ve had those mornings after where I wonder if I could chew my arm off before he wakes up.  I’ve had those nights where the pictures tell the tale.

But rarely have I had nights like that that didn’t include alcohol and/or a man.

Last night, has to rank right up there on my list of “Not my best time.”

It started after I had picked up my kids.  When we were driving around the flight line on base, I saw this amazing photographic opportunity.  Sitting on the taxiway was a KC-135 and a C-17, facing each other, waiting to take off.  Now, my father flew KC-135s for years in the Air Force.  I thought it might be a neat picture to send him, so I pulled out my cell phone to snap a pic.

Mind you, I’m fully aware that this is totally illegal on an Air Force base.  But, hey, no risk, no reward, right?

Hmmmm, reward?  The picture I snapped looked like it had been taken by a three year old.  Yeah, it’s not all that.  My cell phone camera is great for closeups, but not so much for far away shots in low light.  I wish I could post it here, so you could marvel at the horrid picture it is, but can’t get it to post.  So use your imagination…..it would probably look better in your mind anyway! 🙂

Well, as I was getting ready to snap the photo (which, as a reminder, is so bad I’m not posting it here), a base cop drives by.  Just my luck – need a cop, can’t find one.  Break a minor rule, and there they are.

So, lights flashing, he pulls a U turn behind me and proceeds to run my plates and ask for my id.  They want to see the pic I took which, as you can see, was so crappy, that they let me off with a warning.  My children thought it was all great fun and I heard about it the rest of the night, usually in an annoying sing-song voice.

After our little adventure with the cops, we went to the BX.  Now, here was a bright spot to my night.  I always swing by their shoe section, cause you’ll never know what you might score.  I actually found two pairs of shoes, one that I was hoping they would have in my size and one that was a gift, direct from the Shoe Gods.

The first pair were ones I had seen a few days ago and I was hoping they would still have when I went in there last night.  Luckily, I found one in my size and I love them!! Can’t wait for the weather to cooperate so that I can wear these seriously sexy shoes —————————————->

Now, the other pair, well, I didn’t need.  I truly didn’t need either pair, but sometimes you just have to understand that you were MEANT to have a pair of shoes.  The second pair caught my eye and I went to look at them because, well, they were FIERCE.  I love sexy shoes, and these definitely qualified. 

I checked to see what size they were…..they were my exact size!  Not a half size too small or big.  My size exactly.  They were the only pair of that shoe on any of the racks.  Now, in my mind, this is 2-0 for the shoe.  Then I checked the price.  They were half off.

HALF OFF.

If I hadn’t purchased these shoes, I am fully convinced that there were women that would have come ninja-like from the ceiling of the store and taken my Girl Card from me.  I just HAD to buy them!

Yes, that is my story and I’m sticking to it. 🙂

Now I just have to find the perfect outfit for these shoes.  Gotta showcase the hot shoes!

So, after the wonderful trip to the store, the kids and I grabbed a bite to eat and we went home.  Now, yesterday, I wore a pencil skirt and sweater set (it was chilly, and I needed to look powerful for a meeting yesterday) with 3 inch heels.  As we walked up to the house, I realized I didn’t have my house key on my key ring.

Oops.

I had taken it off the key ring yesterday morning so that I could warm up my car and still be able to lock up my house.  Yes, I know that it isn’t the best plan, but normally I just slide the key in my pant pocket until I get to work, and then I put it back on my key ring when I get to work.

Yesterday, I had no pockets.

I’m tearing through the car, my purse, my wallet – no key.  The dog, who has seen us come through the gate out the back window (this is where her perch is), is getting more and more frantic.  She is running back and forth from the back door to the window.  Her sweet little doggy eyes are asking me, “Why aren’t you in here yet?  Why aren’t I out there yet?”

Still can’t find the key.  So I decide, in my pencil skirt and heels, to climb through the window.  The same window that my dog is gazing out of wondering why we haven’t come in yet.  Two reasons I chose that window: 1) it’s the lowest window on the house; and 2) my bed is right underneath it, providing a much softer landing than the hardwood floor.

I push the screen up, then the window.  The dog is hanging her head out trying to kiss me as I’m climbing up on the plastic chair (that belongs to my landlord) so that I can climb into the window.  I know the chair isn’t the strongest thing, so I’m using mostly arm power to push myself through the window.  I give a little push with my feet and my leg falls through the chair.

Yes, this course of action is looking better and better.

I finally got the upper half of my body through the window.  My legs, still encased in thigh highs and heels, bleeding from where I fell through the chair, are hanging (along with my ass) out of the window.  My dog, bless her heart, is licking my face like there is no tomorrow, making it very hard to breathe and harder still to pull myself through the window.  The kids are laughing like hyenas (no help from that corner) and hollering encouragement to the DOG!

Yeah, their hearts were bleeding for me.

I finally tumble my way onto the bed and let the kids in the door.  By this time, the dog has all but peed on the floor out of excitement and the food is cold. 

I threw up my hands in defeat, put on my yoga pants, sweatshirt and fuzzy socks, and sat on my bed to eat dinner while surfing the internet.

Cause it was just one of those nights. 🙂

 

 

What a week. Seriously, seriously glad it’s over.

I don’t get to post as often as I would like here.  At the old house, I could retreat to my room and post in private.  The new place, as much as I love it, doesn’t have anywhere for me to have much privacy.  Added to that, I don’t have wi-fi yet, so I’m stuck at my desk trying to post away.

But, I have some time today and there’s a lot to bring you up to date on.  Bear with me, it may be a little long.

So I had a little bit of a bad week (you can read about it here).  I wasn’t called for another subbing job all week, so my first paycheck as a sub will only be $120.  Not a lot, but it’s all mine.

The youngest has been better.  I chewed him out and laid a serious guilt trip on him and I think it’s gotten a bit better.  We’ll see how long that holds out.

Two days ago, my dog got out of the yard.  Now, I live in a tiny town (actually more of a burg) and I happen to live on the busiest corner of said burg.  I was worried that she would be hit  by a car or that someone would take her.  I mean, she’s so damn cute

I was worried sick about her.  When she would rabbit when we lived on base she could only go so far before she had to stop because there was a perimeter fence.  There’s no perimeter fences in the real world.  I was worried that she would get hit by a car or just not come back at all.

I called my landlord bawling asking him to come and fix the gate.  It was a horrible gate and I was lucky it had kept her in as long as it had.  He didn’t call me back until much later and he obviously hadn’t listened to the voice mail I  had left, where I was blubbering my eyes out.  He actually didn’t call but texted and said that he would be out to put in my laundry hookups early this coming week.

That’s nice and all, Al, but I was calling about the gate.  Thanks.

Luckily she came back by herself.  Looking like this:

I put her in the tub and bathed her.  Which took quite a long time.  She is a husky mix, so all of the water that I poured on her beaded up and rolled right off.  It took over an hour to get her clean.  But she was home and I was thrilled.

So, I decided that I would take the initiative and build a new gate my damn self.  I used the wonderful tools that my friend had given me as a housewarming gift

and I built a brand new gate.  It’s not much to look at, because I had to recycle the wood that made the old gate, but it has new supports, it doesn’t lean and it fits snugly in the opening that is offered.  I still need to put a latch on the gate, but here it is

I needed to cut some of the support wood to make the gate and I asked my landlord if he had a saw.  I knew he was going to be coming to the house yesterday afternoon so I called him.  He sounded a little tentative about helping me.  Mostly cause I think he thought that I wanted him to build the fence.  I  had to reiterate to him that I was building it myself but just needed him to cut the support wood.  When he finally showed up and got the idea he was willing to help me out.

So now I have a new gate 🙂  Who the hell needs a guy around to help with all this stuff (exempting the sawing).  I’m good to go!

The other big thing that I had happen was that I had to call a priest.  Why, you ask?  Well, because we have visitors in the house.  The kind that lived here long before we moved in and have hung around much longer than houseguests should.

Like 70 years more.

My oldest had indicated to me that he heard footsteps in the attic the first night that he slept up there and that he felt like someone was watching him.  I blew it off till the next night.

I was up late reading a book.  At around 130 am, I heard footsteps crossing the attic.  Not from where my son was sleeping, but from the other side of the house towards where my son was sleeping.

I was convinced.  So I contacted a priest.  I have a meeting with him on Tuesday.  Let’s hope he can do something about our visitors.

On a lighter note, the oldest had a dance last night at his high school.  When I went to pick him up at the end of the dance, he was dancing in a circle of, mostly, upperclassmen and having a great time.  He didn’t come out till they turned the lights up and kicked all of the kids out of the auditorium.

I had that  moment of knowing that all of the decisions that I have made, no matter how hard it has been to make them or follow through on them, were perfect for him and his brother.

Made me feel damn good.

Oh, and I taught my friend’s two-year-old to say “hoochie mama” which she has gleefully been calling her mom all this morning.  (Calling her mom that was an unintended, but hilarious, side effect!)

Yeah, life is good! 🙂

It may be hard, but life is damn good.

This week is over, right? Right????

I love roller coasters.  They give you that safe fear thrill that you get when you go down that first hill.  The one that I’m pressing into the floor with all my might and holding on with my eyes closed.  I love the rest of ride, especially those bumps.  You know, the ones that when you go over the top you catch zero-G.  Those are awesome.  I’ll pay good money to ride one of those coasters.

I just really don’t like it when my life becomes a roller coaster.  Like this week.  Not at all fun.

So if you read my post on Tuesday (here), then you know the beginning of the roller coaster.  The one house in the school district was rented out from under me on Wednesday morning.  Even after I wrote this really nice letter begging them to let me move in with my dog (something that they didn’t want because they had just refinished the floors).  So, living in the school district just didn’t work out.

But then there was good news:  the school would allow me to keep the children in the district, even if I moved out of it, for the rest of the year.  So that buys me a little time.

Then better news:  There was a house available in the school district!  It wasn’t listed with a realtor, which is why it didn’t show up on any realtor search, and he was willing to let me come by and look at it on Friday (today).  Awesome!  And the rent was amazingly low (only $1000 a month, compared to $1600 everywhere else) and it wasn’t in a perfect location, but I was willing to suck that up because it was in the district.

Then even better news:  my parents were going to loan me the money necessary to put a security deposit on a house because the court date was moved from the 13th to the 20th and that’s the day that the movers are here.

So, I go look at the house in the not so great location and fall in love with it.  It’s beautiful.  It’s not huge. In fact, it’s only a 2 bedroom/1 bath.  But the kitchen is beautiful with 1930’s era cabinetry, it has tongue and groove hardwood floors and it has amazing closets.  It has an attic that I’m going to turn into my room, a dining room and a living room with a working fireplace.  The closet space is amazing.  A couple of drawbacks – it has a basement, but I’m not allowed to use it.  The storage space is very, very limited, but with what I’m saving on rent I’ll be able to afford a small storage locker.  There is no dishwasher.  Now, this wouldn’t be a problem, but I promised myself years ago that I wouldn’t live in a house without a dishwasher.  Oh well, guess I can suck it up for a bit.  The washer and dryer hookup are in the basement, which is off limits to me, but the landlord said that he would run hookups to the kitchen.  Not ideal, but I’ve had my laundry room in the kitchen before.  I can make do.  There is no central air, but it uses radiator heat which is much more comfortable.  And, honestly, you only need air conditioning during three months out of 9 in New Jersey.  It has a fenced in back yard, but I can only use half until my landlord covers and secures the pool that takes up the other half of the yard. But, he’s gonna allow  my dog, so that’s awesome.

The biggest drawback?  He was wrong about the school district it was in.  So, I’m still out of district, but I’m paying $600 less for rent.  Which, in my mind, is actually a bonus.

All in all, I have a house, which was the most important thing.  It’s not a great house, but it has a lot of character.  When I can, I’ll post pictures.  I take possession of the house on the 20th, which is our court date.  I’ll have a U-Haul truck on the 18th so that I can start moving stuff out before his movers get here on the 19th. It’ll be a very busy few days.

But the best news of all?  My father is flying out to help me move!  That is so awesome  I can’t even begin to tell you.

I just have to make sure that I keep him from punching the asshole in the face.

So, starting tomorrow, I’m packing stuff to get ready to move.  I’ll pack up my  room and the boys this weekend.  Then onto the garage next week.  I have a few things I would like to sell before I move, but if I can’t, then we’ll move them to a storage locker.  There are a couple of places in town where I can rent something.

Oh, and to top off the good ending to the worst beginning of a week ever, I saw my lawyer today.  He and I are both super not impressed with the cross motion that the asshole and his lawyer filed to the financials.  He also stated that the two judges that are hearing cases like these in my county tend to put the man through the ringer, so that bodes well.  We do go to court on the 20th, so two more weeks and we’ll find out how things go.

After my mom and my landlord, you will be the first to know! 🙂

I hope that your week wasn’t so crappy but then ended well, like mine.  I’m super excited that my dad is going to be here for the court date and moving out stuff.  That’ll be super nice.  I haven’t seen him since last year at my grandmother’s funeral, so I’m looking forward to it.

Oh, and as a postscript to the whole “good Friday” thing I had going, I lost my dog on the walk tonight.  She hasn’t been for a walk for a few days because it was so dang cold.  So, I take her out and she ran off (I walk her on a shock collar, because she enjoys the freedom).  I spent 45 minutes looking for her and then walked back to the house to see if she had gone home.  She hadn’t.  So, I leave again to go find her and finally find her down the hill in this little gully on the golf course.  She is soaking wet and stinks and is covered in sand.  As soon as we get home, she eats, drinks and then got a bath!  Maybe she’ll remember the bath the next time she wants to run off!  Right now, she’s snoring on the floor next to my bed, right where she belongs.

I think I’m gonna join her in dream land. 🙂