Good Enough

As any of you that have read this blog since the beginning (THANK YOU!) know, my divorce was rough.

You know the marriage was rougher.

Ward and June Cleaver we weren’t, that’s for damn sure.

Who cleans house in high heels and pearls??

Who cleans house in high heels and pearls??

I wasn’t spectacular to him. I’ll take responsibility for my share of blame in the collapse of our marriage. To be sure, he wasn’t spectacular to me. The only honest thing he did before he left with that other woman (I’m working hard at reining in my Bitter Bitch) was to admit that he had spent 16 years emotionally and mentally abusing me.

Yes, he admitted it. Shocking, no?

And, here we are, over two years since the separation and almost two years from the divorce and I’m still dealing with that crap.

hand tiedHow frustrating is that? I know that I can’t expect to be over it immediately. I know that I will feel the effects for years. But I have made so much progress in coming back to life that it is so defeating sometimes to know that I am still trying to untie myself from his definition of who I was.

It is so very hard to recover your self-esteem, your sense of self, when you spent 16 years with the person that you pledged to love and who pledged to love you, trying to do the best you could and it was never enough.

You were never smart enough.

You were never skinny enough.

You were never pretty enough.not good enough

You were never sexy enough.

You were never a good enough mother.

You were never a good enough housekeeper.

You were never…..

Nothing I ever did was good enough for him.

When the man that you have married tells you that you are subpar at every level on a daily basis, you don’t just get over that in a snap.

So, here we are, two years later, and I’ve met this guy. He’s pretty terrific. OK, he’s more than pretty terrific, but we’re not going to go into massive details. Let’s just say that he’s very sexy, very smart, extremely witty, a talented storyteller and so much more *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*.

He’ll tell me that I’m beautiful and sexy and smart. He does so with regularity and ease. You can tell that he means it, that he’s not lying to just get into my pants. I can tell he means it. Truly means these things that he says.

And I want to believe him. I do. I want to see what he sees. I want to feel that I’m beautiful, sexy and smart.

Sometimes, when we talk or when I’m with him, I feel it. I feel like I’m all of those things and more. I feel like Superwoman having a man as great as him think those things about me.

But, when our conversation is done, or I go home, or even sometimes when we are chatting, I wonder what it is that he sees.

I know he can’t be seeing the same woman I see. That woman isn’t smart, nor sexy, nor beautiful. She doesn’t have anything to offer to a great man like him. Why does he still talk to me?

For 16 years I was told that I wasn’t beautiful, sexy or smart. For 16 years I was told that I wasn’t enough. So, how can I be enough for this man who has everything in the world to offer a woman?

And therein, my friends, lies the issue.

I have to stop wondering what I should do to “be enough” for a man in my life and just be me. Be myself in all things.

Good enoughI have to stop trying to be anything for anyone and just be the person that I am.

I have to just be me.

I have to be that woman whose eyebrows are never plucked quite right, whose roots constantly need touching up, whose house is never clean enough, who feeds too many stray cats because she’s a sucker for them. I have to be that dorky lady who laughs too loudly at lousy puns, who thinks science jokes, Doctor Who and Cosmos are pretty awesome. I have to embrace my almost bottomless pit of trivia about nothing that anyone in the world cares about. I have to appreciate my love of all things J.D. Robb, Patricia Briggs, Laurell K. Hamilton, and J.K. Rowling. I have to be political and care about what is going on in the world. I have to be all of those things.

Because all of those things make up the person I want to be.

If somewhere along the way I happen to be lucky enough to find someone who is willing to accept me with all of my quirks and my dorkiness and my lame jokes and my obscure passions, and also finds me sexy and beautiful and smart, then that will make me a pretty lucky lady.

It doesn’t mean that I will not ever have periods of self-doubt. Bouncing back from a bad relationship isn’t easy and it takes time.

But I have to stop wondering what he sees in me, why he likes to spend time with me, what the attraction is. Instead of questioning it, I need to just accept it.

It doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter what.

All that matters is: He does.

That’s good enough for me.

Is anyone in the market for a bridge?

I think my husband thinks I’m the stupidest person in the world. I really believe he believes that I will take as truth any words that come out of his mouth, that I’m still buying into his tripe.

Yes, he is just that delusional.

Let me illustrate.

I don’t recall if I told y’all about this huge blow out fight we had the weekend after he returned from seeing his girlfriend in North Carolina.  It was a huge fight.  HUGE.  We yelled and broke plates and screamed horrible things at each other. (Luckily, neither of the children were home when we did this)  He ran upstairs and took the laptop out of my room and put an administrator password on it and wouldn’t give me the password.  Well, coincidence of coincidence, it crashed that night.

Amazing how that happens, isn’t it.

I took it to a place that said they could fix it and then found out that it was truly out of my price range.  I was desperate to save the pictures that were on there and my school papers, but they wouldn’t do it for less than $300.  I couldn’t afford it.  So, this guy in my husband’s squardron offered to take a look at it for free and figure out if he could save it.

A month goes by and another month.  The guy won’t answer my emails and I don’t push too hard because I figure my husband has put him in a hard place to try to not make waves at work and not get me totally pissed at him.

Then, today, my husband comes home and tells me that the computer is on its way to Korea becuase this guy’s packers accidently packed it and that the guy will have to mail it back when he gets there.

Yeah, just how stupid do you think I am?

He truly believes that I’m buying off on this crap.  How many of you believe that this is the truth?  I mean, I know that the packers will pack anything in reach (including full trash cans), but this is just a little too convenient.

So, now I’m out a laptop and don’t have the money to replace it.  It was going to be my computer and I was going to get it in the divorce.  But he really wanted it.  In fact, he told me it was his because he had bought it with his money.  He bought it three years ago, which would make it “our” money – although he has never seen it that way.  For 16 years it has been “his” money and he has to give me any spending money.

Can you see why I’m not fighting this divorce at all?  The humiliation and emotional and mental abuse has been enough to wear me down to a nub.  I’m tired.  Just tired.

However tired I may be doesn’t mean that I’ve suddenly gone stupid.

So, who wants to buy that bridge?