From one strong woman to another

Dear J,

I know that life is hurting right now. Every waking breath you take hurts. You hurt for what you have lost, for what you will never have. For the dreams that you held and then watched slip away from you because of someone else’s decision.

You feel out of control, like you can’t put the pieces back together. That maybe you were meant to be stuck where you are right now, because that’s where he put you with his choice.

That you can’t go back and you aren’t strong enough to move forward.

But you are and you will.

He left, true. But he left because of a deficit in him. Whether it was a restless soul, a lack of being able to commit, a want for something that he didn’t think that he had where he was.

But, the bottom line here is that he left because of a fault of his. Because he couldn’t hack it where he was and he decided to leave.

I know that you loved him and that your future seems so dull without him. I know that it hurts you when you wake up in that bed and realize that he is not lying there beside you. I know that it feels weird to do things around your house with no expectations thrust upon you by another person.

All of those things make you feel lost. All of those things, maybe, make you feel weak because you wonder what he would think about the new curtains that you hung, or the dust catcher that you bought.

I understand. I understand all of what you are feeling and what you are going through. I know how hard it is to stand on your own without that idea, that feeling, of someone being there at your back. I get it. It makes you think that you aren’t strong enough to stand on your own.

But you are.

You are strong enough. You can stand on your own.

Look at you! You’re already doing it. You’re doing it and didn’t even realize that you are.

He left and you didn’t fall down in a ball on the ground and die. You lived! You chose to live without him. You chose to have a life that didn’t include him. You are strong.

You are strong enough to get up every day. You are strong enough to do the things that need to be done: go to work, shop for groceries, do the laundry, take a shower, shave your legs (never underestimate the power of a smoothly shaven leg. They do wonders!).

You are strong enough that you make plans with your friends for the future. You are strong enough that you plan a menu for the month, to start shopping for Christmas gifts in June, what you want to do for your summer vacation.

You are strong enough that you are looking to YOUR future. Where you want to go, what road you want to take, things that you want to experience.

And here’s the cool thing about that: THE SKY’S THE LIMIT! You don’t have to wait for anyone or anything to do these things with you. You can do them on your own.

You can take those cooking classes you’ve always wanted to take, the dance classes you thought would be cool, the water aerobics class that you’ve been eyeing for months.

You can do all of these things. Why?

Because you are strong.

Strength is not about being bold and flashy. That kind of strength is fleeting, forgotten as quickly as it came.

Your kind of strength is the strength that moves mountains. It is quiet, fluid. Like water, it may not work quickly, but it is powerful, carving valleys out of solid rock. Your strength is the kind of strength that everyone wishes they had because it will carry you through all of your days. It will flag, sometimes, this is true. But it will come back, stronger than ever.

Nothing can hold you back. You are a force to be reckoned with.

Keep getting up, going to work, doing laundry, shaving your legs. Keep doing these small things. They are the foundation upon which your strength will stand and assert itself. Sometimes when you least expect it to.

That quiet strength will take you through the rest of your life, with no room to look backwards because your future is taking all of your energy and concentration.

You are strong. You inspire me, and everyone around you, with your strength.

Don’t ever doubt it.

Sincerely,

Miss Independent (formerly The Forgotten Wife)

PS: Demi Lovato has a great song called “Skyscraper” that I think pretty much sums it up. And with a much prettier singing voice than I could ever have. I’ve included it here for you. I hope you like it and that it helps strengthen your resolve. Listen to the words. You are a skyscraper. Don’t forget it!

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And the peace and quiet has fled for its life

I think we can agree that I love my children.  I have sacrificed much for them in the past and I will continue to do so in the future.  That is what parents do.  They put aside their own wants and needs to fulfill those of their children.

But, I won’t lie when I say that I was looking forward to a week without them and that I was somewhat dreading having them return.

The week was so quiet.  It was so peaceful.  No one was arguing with anyone, there were no fights, there was no pee on my toilet seat.

I needed the break.  I truly, truly did.

Now they’re back.  And I was so happy to see them.  And I realized how much I love them.

Three hours later and I have a bitch of a headache.

First, I took them into a store at the pickup/dropoff point so that I could go potty.  The youngest immediately started asking for things (candy, gum, toys).  When I told him, “no,” he whined a bit.  And complained.

In the car, they argued with each other.  And with me.  And got snippy and snarky. And they regaled me with stories of what they did with their father.  Which wouldn’t be so bad, but every single story included his bitch and her spawn because they were at his house waiting for them when they arrived and stayed for the whole week.

In other words, they didn’t spend a single alone moment with their father.  What a douche.

And when they asked me what I did while they were gone, they latched onto the fact that I had some wine and I got lectured by a 15 and 12 year old about why I shouldn’t drink.  Like I’m a lush or something.  They harped on it and harped on it until I had to tell them to be quiet, in a not so nice way.

I refuse to be lectured by my children about my life choices. One comment is fine….a whole lecture is not alright and not to be stood.

When we got home, I immediately lost my television to the XBox (which I hate with a passion) and then got even more frustrated when they asked me to set up their XBox live and that turned into an amazing mess.

Oh, and they want to argue about where we are going to go to dinner.

Three hours and the peace and quiet of the past week has been irrevocably shattered.  It is gone.  I’m wearing black to mourn its passing.

I had an enjoyable week.  I spent time with other adults with no guilt over where I should be or what I should be doing.  I didn’t have to rush home to make dinner or help with homework.  I could leave work and go get laid without an ounce of guilt.

Which I did.  For a good portion of the week.

It’s over 6 weeks until they will be going with their father again.  Six very long weeks.

Right now, it’s going to be an eternity.

 

 

All moved in and feeling very free

Well, here I am again.  I was offline for a few days while I moved into my new place.  It was a debacle with snow, the asshole pulling some more of his shennanigans and my friends coming through in a big way.

I’ll post all about it tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m enjoying the quiet.  The kids won’t be here until tomorrow and I am ready for them.  Pictures are on the walls, their beds are made, clothes are washed and put away.  Brownies are fresh from the oven, giving the house an amazing smell.

It feels like home.

That’s all anyone can ask, right?  That the place they are at this exact moment feels right.  And this feels right.  My house is clean, it’s organized and it looks great.

I promise, pictures will be forthcoming in the next few days.

But for now, I’m going to enjoy the quiet and my hard earned freedom.  I’m going to revel in the knowledge that I’m going to make it.  It’ll be hard, but most things worth having are earned the hard way.

I’m OK with that.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you all about my  move.  Tomorrow I’ll tell you about how the asshole let me down yet again and my friends stepped up in a big way.  I’ll tell you all about my landlord (who is the best guy in the world when he’s not getting over a bender) and how my father supported me in a huge way.

But, for now, it’s time for bed.

Sweet dreams, my friends.  Cause mine surely are! 🙂