I don’t have a dating life. I don’t date.
I have sex.
I have sex with people I find attractive or funny or smart. I don’t sleep around, per se, but I’m also not monogamous.
Because I’m single and I enjoy having fun. I mean, I spent 16 years eating really bad vanilla….time to taste what other great flavors are out there!
So, there’s this one guy that I have a standing sex date with at least once a week. I wish it were more, but our schedules are such that we can only usually manage once a week. I look forward to it every week. I never, ever miss a sex appointment with this guy. EVER. Why? Because he’s funny and smart and AMAZING in bed. Very, very amazing in bed.
I can’t stress enough how much I enjoy being with this man in bed.
He lives a half hour away, but I gladly make the drive to his house at least once a week (at his invitation…a lady never goes where she isn’t invited) so that we can have racous, yelling, screaming, moaning, orgasmic sex.
And because I won’t have him in my house with the kids there because that’s a complication I don’t want or need. Just cause mama wants to have fun, doesn’t mean she has to tell her kids about it.
I also don’t have him over when my kids are there because I am, quite simply, ahem….vocal during sex.
To get to this gentlemen’s house, I have to drive 30 minutes along some very back roads in New Jersey. I’m talking “don’t stop for hitchikers cause they’re almost certainly axe murderers” back roads. The kind that the movie producers look for when creating Scream XX or whatever number they’re up to now.
The road I take follows the perimeter line of a military installation through an area that the locals call the Pine Barrens. I follow the permiter line for a goodly amount of time on my left when I’m heading out to his house, and on my right when I’m coming home. I also find that I ride nearer to the center line when I’m driving to his house, because I think it will buy me a little bit more reaction time if a deer comes bounding out of the woods to my right when I’m headed out to him.
Last night, I was driving out for my weekly sex appointment (it’s like an apple a day….good for the body and soul) and I noticed that a car pulled out behind me from my left. Now, I figured that this was a cop and it wasn’t a big deal because I don’t speed on this road at night. I have horrid night vision and my depth perception is almost nil at night, so I only do the speed limit. My car is in good repair, with all tail lights and everything working so I wasn’t worried about the cop behind me.
However, I was smoking a cigarette in my car (no, haven’t quit yet….yes, I know) and I thought to myself, “Do I really want to toss the lit butt out the window with a cop behind me in the Pine Barrens?”
See, a couple of years ago there was a huge fire up in the Pine Barrens that had been caused by a cigarette being thrown out the window of a car. I figured I’d play it safe and I would put the butt out in a water bottle. So, I reached behind my seat and grabbed a half empty water bottle to put the butt in. When I looked up from completing my task, I noticed that I had gone just a smidge over the center line and I pulled myself back into my lane with little fuss.
About two miles later, I make my left turn to head over to Amazing Guy’s place. That’s when the cop flips on the lights. Well, sheeeeeeeit….
He walks up to the window, just polite as can be, “Ma’am, license and registration, please.”
I say, “Sure, Officer,” and start digging in my large purse for my wallet.
He says, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I say, “Was it because I went over the center line a little bit? I was putting my cigarette butt in the water bottle here because I didn’t want to start a wildfire.”
He says, “I appreciate that,” and then goes on to explain that he thought I was a drunk driver and had turned on his camera a ways back so that he could tape me driving.
The whole time he is talking, I’m digging in my purse for my wallet.
No license, no identification, no nothing.
Well, damn. I look at the officer with a shocked look on my face and tell him that I left it at home, about 4 towns over. I then hand him my registration and write my address (which is not the same address on my driver’s license….hadn’t changed it yet) on the back of the registration so that he can look me up.
He takes my stuff back to his car and comes back in about 5 minutes. During those 5 minutes, I contact Amazing Guy and tell him I’m gonna be a few minutes late. No worries, I’ll maybe get a ticket for not having my driver’s license on me. Money I can’t really afford, but I’ll take it cause I should have it on me.
Oh, no. That’s not what happened at all.
My registration had expired in July and I had never gotten the notice because I hadn’t changed the damn address on my license! The officer tells me that he can impound my car (OH SHIT!) for this, but he’s feeling a bit benevolent and allows me to park it in the Wawa parking lot about 50 yards from where he pulled me over. He then goes on to list the tickets he could give me:
1) Driving an unregistered car (impound offense)
2) Driving without my license (points offense)
3) Failure to maintain lane (points offense)
4) Failure to change address on driver’s license (points offense)
There were two more he could have given me tickets for, but he only gave me the one for having an unregistered car. Thank goodness! I absolutely shook his hand when he handed me the ticket cause he was nice enough to save me a butt load of money and hassle.
I contacted Amazing Guy and had him come pick me up and take me back to his place for some “stress relief.” Then, he had to give me a ride to my friend’s house because she (amazing woman that she is) agreed to loan me her car today……
All in all, that was about a $250 booty call.
And I don’t get my car back until Friday cause it’s two days before payday and I can’t afford to get my car back on the road until then.
At least the sex was awesome! 🙂
Happy Hump Day, y’all!